By
doing some advance planning you may be able to avoid a potential
crisis or at least be better prepared to handle an emergency if one
arises. It is possible for you to continue being a support for your
parents even though you won’t be there in person.
Q: I just returned home from
visiting my parents. I don’t get to see them often since we live
in different areas of the country. It was a shock to realize how
much they have aged and their health has deteriorated. I’m ashamed
to admit it made me very uncomfortable and depressed to be around them.
Now I’m going to dread the next visit. How do I deal with this?
A: First of all let go of the guilt! The
feelings you are struggling with are not all that uncommon. If you saw
your family on a weekly or monthly basis you would have gradually
noticed changes taking place. On an intellectual level you should
have realized the aging process wasn’t going to leave your parents
untouched and eventually would have an impact on them. The
reaction you had was one of pure emotion; logic wasn’t even a part of
the equation.
The important thing to do at this point is not to be
too hard on yourself, next try to figure out what prompted your
reaction. Once you have a better understanding hopefully you will
be able to move forward.
Virginia Morris in her book “How to Care for Aging
Parents” refers to the inner struggles many of us experience as
emotional mine fields. Guilt, sadness, anger, fear and a sense of
helplessness are all understandable reactions when faced with the
physical or cognitive decline of a parent who was once responsible for
our care.
As our parents age eventually we find ourselves in a
position of having to face and deal with their mortality. On one
level we always knew they wouldn’t live forever but once they start
losing their independence it becomes much more of a reality. Some
individuals have found once they began the process of accepting their
parent’s mortality they ultimately were forced to acknowledge their
own…that isn’t easy!
Grief is a normal emotion for someone who loses a
relationship, which was once very important. This loss could come
suddenly due to death or gradually with the progression of an illness or
disability. We essentially mourn for the way the person used to
be. It is unhealthy to keep these feelings bottled up inside of
you. Find someone you are comfortable with and able to express
yourself to, this could be a friend, relative or professional counselor.
Reflecting back, be grateful your parents have been
there for you all these years. Celebrate what you have shared and focus
on future good times. Your parents may be older but there is still
value in their life and your relationship with them. Distance and
other responsibilities may make it difficult but make every effort to
see them whenever possible.
For your own sake put aside any self doubt and realize
the emotions you have experienced and most likely will continue to
experience are perfectly normal. Take time to come to terms with
your feelings and events you can’t control. Hold onto the good
memories and make the best of the time you can still have with your
family.
Q: I have been helping
to care for my mother for several years. At first it was just
occasionally doing the food shopping or cleaning the house. Her
needs have become more extensive and she can’t bathe on her own. I
am not very comfortable doing this and wonder if I will get over my
feelings eventually?
A: As our population ages, increasing
numbers of Americans are facing the reality of becoming caregivers for
older relatives. Few are prepared for the challenges they will
face over the weeks, months and years to come. While there may be
significant rewards of assuming this role there may be an equal number
of stress factors.
The feelings of discomfort, resistance or
embarrassment you are struggling with are perfectly normal. Did
you ever think there would come a time when you would be responsible for
something as intimate as bathing your mother? Odds are you never
even considered the possibility. Don’t get caught up in self
doubt, self-criticism or guilt, you’re doing the best you can.
As individuals we have varying degrees of modesty.
This may be a direct result of our upbringing, ethnic/religious
influences, self body images, and other factors. You may also feel
some conflict accepting the change in the parent/child role. If
your comfort level makes if difficult for you to be the one responsible
for your mother’s personal care it would probably be best for you to
look for other alternatives. It is possible your mother has
similar feelings of discomfort.
You need to have an honest discussion with your mother
regarding the situation. Is there another family member more suited to
this task? Your mother might be more comfortable and willing to
accept professional assistance free of any emotional entanglement.
You have a couple of options. Consult your mother’s physician to
inquire is she would qualify for Medicare reimbursed services through a
certified home health agency. Call your local Area Agency on Aging
to get a list of personal care homemaker providers who offer private pay
or subsidized services.
Caregivers are encouraged to accept their limitations,
acknowledging the tasks they are willing and able to complete and
finding help when needed. Few people can do it all alone if they
expect to stay involved for any period of time. Caregiver stress,
physical or emotional burn-out, financial burden, isolation, resentment
and loss of self are some of the risks for caregivers who fail to ask
for help!
Q: I
work all day as a personal care assistant and then take care of my mom
at home. I’m starting to lose patience with people and am feeling
stressed. Any coping suggestions?
A: From what you describe, it appears
your entire life is centered on being a caregiver. Both your
professional and personal focus is on providing caring for others;
people depend on you for many of their activities of daily living.
Whether you intentionally defined yourself this way or it occurred due
to circumstances, all your efforts are focused on helping other
individuals.
You may be in a situation where you are unable to give
up either role. If that is the case and you are committed to both
your job and your parent, then you need to take steps to find ways to
reduce stress.
Being a full time caregiver is extremely admirable and
can be rewarding, but as you mentioned, it can also create stress,
resentment and anxiety. You should start looking for ways to
introduce other elements into your life. Think about what
activities would bring you enjoyment. There may be a hobby you’ve
given up, a movie you’ve wanted to see or a book you’ve never been able
to finish. Create opportunities to get away from it all, remove
yourself completely from the care giving environment once in a while.
People are often encouraged to set limits on what they
are capable of doing. It may sound impossible, but if you are able
to make just a little change, it could be a start to reducing stress in
your life. Find someone else, whether it be another relative,
friend or neighbor, who would give you respite from your
responsibilities at home. Don’t be afraid to ask for help; people
may be more than willing to lend a hand.
Give yourself permission to be selfish you’ve earned
it. Make time for yourself! There us the possibility, if you
don’t take good care of yourself, you won’t be able to take care of
anyone else. Once you are energized, you may find a renewed
commitment to care giving and the ability to continue in the role.
