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Sunrises and Sunsets – My World in Between

It’s 3:30 pm and it’s about time for me to finish my work day, here at Elder Services of the Merrimack Valley. Rushing home to pick up my children (10 year old and 12 year old), to drive them to their after school activities and while I have 45 minutes in between will stop at my parents to check on them, my Dad a retired forensic doctor from Albania who is suffering from Vascular dementia for about 8 years, and my mom who is a retired Accountant and the main caregiver for my dad. My parents unfortunately do not drive or speak fluent English so they are totally dependent on me. When I first immigrated to the USA, I worked hard to make all my dreams come true. Before my parents came to this country when someone would ask me if I could find everything I needed in the USA, my response was,

“You can find everything here but a Mom and a Dad”.

So when they finally made it here, my world seemed complete. Now if only my brothers could be close by… sigh!

It’s about 6:30 pm and I have to rush home, prepare a healthy meal for my husband, my widowed mother in law who has been living with us for 13 years, and my two children. I then help the children with their homework, cleaning, cooking for the tomorrows dinner, so it will be ready when I get back home from work the next day, who knows what the new day will bring, right?

Only after all these projects are completed and I have tucked my kids in bed, I can have some time to have a heart to heart moment with my husband and at this time it’s 9:30 pm. I know I should be going to bed but I would have to make sure everything is done for everyone and oh, I so want to have time to read an inspiring novel or just watch a nice movie, but I can’t, I have to go over my study books… It’s about 10:30 pm and I am sipping my cup of tea and it’s time to watch the news of the day. How depressing and divisive, thank God my children are in bed, I am not ready to face the questions they might have, regarding the current situation. For the first time in while I am feeling so insecure and having very dark views about my future. What is happening to our mother Earth? What is going on with humanity? Where are the good morals and common sense? Let it go! I say to myself out loud, do not get in to this!

All these bad thoughts are engulfing my brain and I feel exhausted. I can’t breathe, please go away I can’t be thinking these thoughts. Breathe in… Breathe out… Count to thirty… No, I am not feeling any better. I should be the strongest person in this family and never show any insecurities to my children or my parents, I am the one they look up to, I have to be the voice of reason and tell them to always do the right thing and everything will be okay. I am the first from my family to immigrate to this beautiful country that I finally call it home just as my children do. Yes, now even the conversations in my dreams are in English, so I feel I am fully integrated to my new home Country.

All of a sudden I feel stuck wondering in between two beautiful places, on one side I have this beautiful sunrise view, oh that crisp fresh air with the bright rays of morning sun, caressing my face…(my children my future), and the other side I have this beautiful sunset view, mesmerizing, breathtaking and the amazing colors, oh my… the shades of red orange purple blue all at once, it must be a dream (my past, my parents, my mother In law), why do I feel this way? There is something very wrong in here I should not be watching the most beautiful sunrise and the most superb sunset, at the same time.

But you see, I am blessed to pass by these demanding worlds every day, I am blessed I have a family, a home, I am blessed to have access to knowledge to improve my caregiving Skills and have more time to do the things that I like. Watching Sunrises and Sunsets is one of them.

  1. Rukia

    Beautifuly written. I can definitely relate since this is a typical day for me as well. Thank you for sharing and for adding the words to my usual day. When you actually read it you realize how loving and unselfish we can be. And this can’t be just you and I but most people are doing the same daily tasks for their loved ones. That’s hope for what’s to come!!! Thank you!!!!!

    • Edi

      Hi Rukia!
      Thank you for your lovely comment!
      Once in a while I like to jot down my thoughts so I can go back and reflect! For sure I’m not alone on the caregiving journey!